In my last blog titled “Lost”, I truly felt lost and confused as I wrote it. I had several people reach out to me after reading it and I would like to say how much I appreciated their kind words and invitations to get together. I certainly plan to follow up with them and hopefully make it happen.

I also mentioned giving other Widows advice as I live and learn thru this unchosen life. I had no idea when I wrote those words that people were already telling others to read my blog. If you are one of those people reading this right now; I want to welcome you and remind you that none of us are getting out of here alive– so it’s best to plan ahead.

I am going to pass on advice as I receive it, but I also cannot stress enough the power of friendship in this process.

Please continue to read on, and perhaps, you too will tell someone you know that is newly widowed to read my blog. But honestly? Anyone that is married or legally bound to another person should be taking this advice as serious as a heart attack! You never know when you or your partner’s time is up.

I recently experienced the power of friendship and how it can affect your perspective during tough times and would like to share it with you.

I know how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning after not sleeping well and to try and motivate yourself to do something- anything that requires a shower, maybe some makeup and going out in public to see or visit people. But here’s what it did for me: It proved to me that friends still want to be around you even if they don’t know exactly what to say. It showed me that they don’t call laughter the best medicine for nothing. Even if you don’t feel up to visiting- push yourself to go and be around people you enjoy for short periods of time. Planning to go visit some friends gave me a reason to get up, clean up, and make myself look nice, which definitely affects how you feel about yourself. It also proves to you that people really do listen and care about you. This dismisses random thoughts that no one cares or understands what you’re going thru. I shared a delicious homemade meal with them and didn’t have to cook (huge bonus for someone who doesn’t want to cook a meal for one.) I also met another Widow, which made me realize that I’m not alone and that there is always someone that has things worse than you do. This helps you become more focused.

Not to mention that they shared their beautiful scenic ranch with me and built a bonfire that we spent the cool and breezy evening sitting around its warmth while sharing conversation. It seemed to pull me right up by my bootstraps and I actually enjoyed my day and didn’t feel lonely or sad, as has become all too normal.

I have a great friend that lives locally during the winter that has been here for me from the moment I learned my husband was terminally ill. She happens to be a financial advisor and certified in all aspects of life stages and planning. I can say without hesitation that without her friendship and her professional guidance that I would be in a world of hurt and confusion. To be more blunt; I would be in deep poo!

She always inspires me and passes on professional advice and I would like to pass on to you a tidbit of what I learned today from a podcast with Ric Adelman, one of the nation’s most acclaimed financial advisors:

1) There are 20 million Widows & Widowers in the US today (let’s just refer to all of them as Widows going forward).

2) 1.4 million people will lose their spouses every year (15% are white women, 24% are black women- ALL likely to become poor).

3) The average age of a wife to become a widow is 59 years old.

4) 67% of women suffer a loss of income and 1/2 of them will lose 1/2 of their income.

5) Women that become Widows in their retirement years will lose about 1/3 of their income according to the GAO (Government Accountability Office).

6) 26% will move to lower cost housing.

These are some astounding facts that I bet no one even thinks about until they become a Widow. If someone doesn’t give advice to married people, more people will become a part of these statistics. More women will become poor and feel helpless. My guess is, the only reason why some married folks don’t face these facts ahead of pending disaster is because they might not be able to afford professional guidance, or one of the two is not willing to discuss or spend money on death planning. I refer to it as death planning because we are all going to die, yet no one wants to plan it. Do people actually believe if you don’t discuss it that it won’t happen? Well my husband also believed that health was simply a mind over matter power, but obviously, you can’t desire to live forever and actually live forever.

The bottom line of today’s podcast was exactly what I said last week; Talk about these things, get advice and plan ahead. Talk to a financial planner, estate attorney, tax advisor- anyone that knows more than you about what will follow after the death of your spouse. It is imperative that a married couple talks openly about illness and the inevitable before it happens, or the trauma is made far worse than it has to be, due to financial hardship.

Ask yourself the important questions about when you will die- who is going to pick up the tab? Do you have life insurance that will cover the burial expenses you desire? Will you be leaving a spouse or children in debt? I believe these three questions are enough for now to kick start your brain and get it thinking about your pending death because it is in pending status every single day.

My advice for today- friendship is priceless and get professional guidance about how death will financially affect you and your loved ones before it’s too late. We’ve all heard it a million times; “tomorrow isn’t promised”, but a Widow truly understands how your next breath could be your last…

If you are one of the people that have called, texted, emailed or sent me a card; I can’t thank you enough for thinking of me. If you are local and have visited me, made time for coffee, lunch or dinner with me; I can’t express my appreciation enough for lifting my spirits more than you realize. If you don’t know my husband died of cancer in January, I guess you don’t know me very well or follow me on Facebook.

I have had several people reach out to me if they don’t see me post anything in days and I truly appreciate those three simple words “Are you okay?” I feel like I am doing okay for someone who has been thrown into a world of shock, cancer, death and post death trauma. But I really am lost for words when asked if I’m okay. I simply react most of the time like being poked and quickly respond “yes.”

Not only am I lost for words, I am unable to make good decisions, have difficulty getting out of bed and don’t want to face the loneliness of another day. There’s a bunch of yard work to do, house cleaning to be done, bills to pay, phone calls to make, unending follow up with important matters, and I don’t want to do any of it- but do it anyway. Some days last forever, some days don’t. I just know that I have absolutely no clue what the hell I’m going to do most days and the feeling starts fresh every single morning. It’s like a thick heavy fog rolls over my house at dawn and surrounds my existence. If I’m lucky, someone calls or texts me and snaps me out of my fog.

Then after I eat something every evening, I feel like the fog rolls over me once again. I face the nights like a game I never win. Unwilling to call it quits- I toss and I turn in my bed relentlessly until I finally get up and make a cup of tea with honey and bourbon. I cannot win this game, so I play it over and over again.

If you have lost a spouse, I am guessing this sounds all too familiar. However, every relationship is different and that is why grieving is never the same for any two people. But simply put; I feel like I don’t belong anywhere right now and nothing comes into focus. There are times I can’t remember things or even find the words to speak.

I have certainly been alone before and I’ve done everything that I am doing now before. But that was over 12 years ago. I was younger, healthier and was willing and able to handle the load. I was single and viewed everything I did simply as what needed to be done and I was very happy. Now? I feel stranded. I didn’t see this coming. I didn’t have enough time to prepare and I don’t like this sinking feeling. I am lost and I am fighting to find happiness. I know it’s “too soon” but I want it now because I know what the stinging reality of not being promised tomorrow feels like. I have just witnessed it with my husband’s death.

Our friends are all couples and overnight- now I’m not. I don’t have any single friends here. I do know other Widows that didn’t ask to be single, but don’t live near me either. My close friends are snowbirds and will soon be gone. I am dreading that day. I have no family living near me.

And then there is the most important decisions concerning finances. I took an early retirement because I could. My husband provided health insurance all the years we traveled, which enabled me to retire early. But now my check is less and I have to consider going back to work at retirement age. This is not something you think about until it’s thrown at you like a brick. While most people my age are excited about retiring and traveling, I have been there and done that and looking at returning to work. It’s ass backwards and it’s my unchosen life.

People have asked me, “So what is it that you would like to do?” or “What do you enjoy doing?”

I have been running a household, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and all the other things you do when you’re married. We travelled extensively in our motorhome for 10 years, enjoyed happy hours by the beach, explored charming new towns, discovered waterfront lunch spots, planned get-togethers with friends from all over the country. That’s what I enjoy doing. I have written this blog for over 5 years sharing all of these adventures with thousands of readers. That is what I am used to doing. I have not pictured myself going back to work or thought about what I would do when my husband dies (something he never ever wanted to discuss), but that is where you find yourself when your husband dies with no life insurance and no plan.

I can not answer this serious question of what I would like to do. I just know that I hate feeling lost and confused every day.

I have explored opportunities and we are not living in the best of times. Apartment living is more expensive than my house, but comes with freedom from yardwork. Condo’s come with a huge HOA price tag that buys you that freedom from yardwork, but certainly no freedom from a hefty monthly bill, maintenance or repairs. I can pay for landscaping where I live, but owning a house with a pool by yourself is no easy task. It is a different story when you are suddenly faced with all the outdoor work on top of everything you already do, and then add a job into the mix when you are supposed to be retired. That’s why we bought the house with a pool in the first place! To entertain and enjoy life. My husband loved landscaping and working outside, but that was his passion- not mine. He wasn’t interested in Condo living, or paying HOA’s, and now it’s all on me to figure out the answers for what is best and what is affordable for me. Anger is one of the other feelings I struggle with and it’s very difficult to explain to people on the outside looking in.

All these decisions, and yet, my brain is mush! I can’t even figure out what to eat most days because I’m not used to fixing meals for one.

So there you have it. Life after death of a spouse. Shock, horror, death, after death reality- PTSD sets in, can’t sleep, can’t think, can’t decide what’s right for yourself, like where you should live or what you should live in. And the kicker is; where should you go to work so you can actually afford to make these life-changing decisions?

There is no secret to unlock here, just the sounds of reality. Living on half of what you had during times of inflation will not lead to some secret garden of Eden where happiness abounds. There is no grief counseling that helps you with your financial plan that only benefited the spouse that died. There is no doctor or psychologist that can figure out any of these life changes for you. There is no happy pill that I am willing to take because I don’t want to live without emotions. There is just me and reality and a house with a pool that needs tending to.

Writing is my outlet. It is my truth served up with a side of sarcasm. I struggled a bit to find the words today, but I guess my mush brain is still working. I believe my next few blogs might be to help others, especially women, who might find themselves walking in my shoes. For anyone living with a man that never wants to discuss the “what ifs”, I definitely have some advice for you; when they say “Everything will be okay”, do not fall for that. Do not ignore the issue. It is just a diversion because they don’t want to deal with it. So guess what? You better deal with it before you find yourself in my world of reality! Taking care of a dying husband is bad enough and the aftermath is inevitable. The last thing anyone needs in this situation is a financial crisis when a vacation from reality would be more beneficial.

Stay tuned for more on this subject because I have a feeling I’m not the only woman who was married to a man that said “Everything will be okay.” I believe I will start a Preceding Death Counseling service because grief counseling will do nothing to solve most of your problems…