When you have traveled the entire US in a motorhome, the choices are endless as to finding that special place you may want to retire and settle down in for the rest of your life. I ought to know, because that’s exactly what my husband and I did for over 10 years.

As many of you know, we sold our house in 2017 and became full time in the big bus- a Tiffin RED nearly 40 feet long. It was my husband’s dream to drive a luxurious house on wheels over the highways of America in search of new sights to see, people to meet and new towns that would perhaps become home. How many people actually get to live out their dreams? My guess is, fewer than any of us would like to believe.

Okay. Curiosity got the best of me and I Googled it! A whopping 8% achieve their dreams/goals! No wonder my husband died with no regrets to speak of!

Now being single and living completely on my own, it’s like I have finished one book and attempting to start a new one.

Let me clarify what I mean by living on my own. I have absolutely no one living near me that I’m related to. My husband is deceased. My parents are deceased. My son who lives up north with my two Grandchildren are estranged (not by my choice, but as life turns out- it is rarely ever fair.) My Step Daughter and one more Grandchild also live up north. My brother and sisters and their families all live in the north. I live in the south. My friends here in the south are primarily snow birds, so they are around for approximately five months a year. This means I am totally without my people- the ones I know and socialize with and hang out with for over six months of the year.

Now, if I had more money, I would travel the entire summer season and return home about the same time my snowbird friends come back. But there is more than just money issues with that idea. I have a house with a pool (pool service doesn’t cover attending to your water level. At least the one I can afford doesn’t.) I am tied to maintenance unless I have more money. I am paying for lawn care (mowing), but I still maintain the weeds, the flowers, the bushes, etc. Unless…You guessed it- I pay more money! You can get any services you want down here with money and you need quite a bit of it.

Living in the south is absolutely wonderful during the winter months, but no one wants to work outside during the hot swampy summers in 90+ degrees. I sure don’t. So most of the answers to my issues are to have more money. If I get a job, I won’t be able to travel all summer. Not to mention, I am now 60 something. My career days are over, so finding a job that will pay me what I need to live the way I want and still have freedom??? Yeah, well…you know what they say; wish in one hand and 💩 in the other. I pretty much doubt that I’m gonna get rich quick at this stage of my life. I’m a Widow living the unchosen life- a member of the club with less income in my retirement than we had just a short 90 days ago. It’s life’s reality staring me in the face and not a whole hell-of-a-lot I can do about it.

So, the reality of my situation is this; I can afford my house here in the south and work a part time job. Or I can sell my house with the pool and get into something here without a pool and yard maintenance (Condo or active 55+ community with HOA’s or maintenance fees- and they don’t come cheap!) Or I can sell my house and head north where I would have friends and family around me all year long, but taxes, interest rates, home prices and moving costs might cause a major loss in capital that can’t be easily regained in my retirement years.

The bottom line is this. We all work towards the goal of financial security, and just when you think it all looks pretty good, life throws you a curve. The death of a spouse is not easy to take under the best of circumstances. If you throw in the loss of income, then you face paddling upstream against a strong current.

I have done pros and cons and it still comes down to one thing; my heart. Pros consist of family vs weather. Cons are taxes vs insurance. Hurricanes vs snowstorms. Blah blah blah. In the end, the perfect scenario will need to present itself in front of my brain to help push me in the right direction.

In the meantime, I am going north for a visit and meeting up with friends and family. I will see where my feelings are and if I get that rush that says “Wow, have I missed this!” Or I say to myself “Boy, I can’t wait to get back to my southern life!”

What do you think I will decide? What new book am I about to start? I would be happy just to turn the page and start a new chapter. I still have time to dream something new, I just need to figure out how to turn a dream into a reality on a tight budget.

I know I can do this. Stick with me and find out what lies ahead of me.

Will it be hurricanes or snowstorms?

Today I am reminded of just how insensitive and automated our world has become.

I keep getting messages from Cox Cable (You remember the story I told you about them cancelling our existing account and having to re-open a new one for me? With all new equipment?) Today’s message is: “How was your experience becoming a Cox Customer?” They want me to take a survey as a new customer after I have been a customer for 3 years now. My husband is no longer watching TV because he died- but I’m considered a new customer because I now watch TV alone with my new equipment that I didn’t need. How insensitive and frustrating! I want to tell them to shove their survey where the sun don’t shine! But, do I really want to go thru the hassle of changing service, having another credit check, and start all over with new equipment, antennas mounted, the whole nine yards of dealing with more of the same bullshit, just with a different company?

And it’s not just Cox Cable. Please allow me to share my recent experience with our Social Security Administration.

I received the death certificates about 10 days after my husband died. Once you receive the certified proof that your spouse is deceased, that is when you can proceed with dealing with the official notifications to military, social security, credit bureaus, mortgage company, car insurance, IRA’s, health insurance, dental insurance…oh I could go on forever! I think you have the picture.

I called Social Security in the beginning of February to advise them of my husband’s passing. (They were already notified because he was military.) They set up a phone appointment in April (yes, almost 2 months later), and I just had that call this past week before Easter.

This guy, who almost sounded like a robot, calls and confirms who he is and why he has called. He asks all the information about me- which honestly? They already have because I took early retirement and already collecting my benefit. After he asks me to verbally verify that I have supplied the correct information and under penalty of law, not committed perjury, he starts to advise me when I will start receiving my husband’s monthly benefit payments.

Whoah!! Stop the press and let me explain what happens next!

I know y’all might find this hard to believe, but I actually had a full blown life before I married my guy. I had a great paying career and was a successful business woman back in the day. Even though the great recession knocked me down a few pegs, I had already paid more into social security than the average Joe Schmoe. If I sound a little sarcastic? It’s because I am. Remember my tag line? “Truth served up with a side of sarcasm.” So here is a dose of reality that Alberto (SS Advisor) served up to me:

I thought I was signing up to receive a one-time benefit of $255.00 for death of a spouse that we are all eligible for once you prove your spouse is dead- thus, the death certificate. But, what Mr. Alberto really signed me up for, was my deceased husband’s Social Security benefits, because he assumed it would be higher than what I am currently collecting on my own benefit.

As he is wrapping up the application process, he starts to advise me when I could expect the new monthly payment to begin. “HOLD EVERYTHING” I said. I explained that I was confused by what he just said to me and clarified the reason for my call was to apply for the lump sum of $255 a one-time death payment. He proceeds to advise me that my husband’s payout would be more than mine, to which I replied “I believe you are mistaken- check the amounts.” I filed our taxes back in February and quickly pulled out our 1099 forms from SS and advised him again, that “I believe you are incorrect.”

Alberto, in his low and slow robotic voice, tells me to “hang on, wait just a minute while I check this out.” I hear him clicking away on the computer keyboard as I wait in silence. Finally, his voice methodically says to me, “YOU ARE CORRECT.” I wanted to say at the moment “NO SHIT SHERLOCK!” because he should have known this! After all, I am speaking with a Social Security Advisor who should know every detail of my life! But now, there is an application in the system to screw up my monthly SS amount that he informed me could not be unapproved until probably Monday. He proceeds to tell me that I’m qualified for the $255 payout and that I should receive it sometime next week.

Now, I may be just a bit more skeptical after dealing with all these after-death procedures, phone calls and hours of being on hold with government workers, but somehow, I believe that Alberto is going to forget to disqualify that application today, and sometime in the not-too-distant future, I am going to get a smaller check.

Do you think someone is going to catch this huge mistake???

I know what you’re thinking…Perhaps I should have called today and followed up with Social Security to make sure that application was trashed, right? But, in case you don’t know this, you wait almost an hour to get a representative, but they don’t really do anything except field the incoming calls. They would probably schedule me for another phone appointment to actually speak to Alberto, or someone else that actually advises as he does, and that will take longer than getting my next check! So, I have decided to wait this out and see what happens next. I’m just tired of dealing with Stupid.

You do realize that none of this would have happened if it was not assumed that “the wife” draws less than “the husband”? It is a fact that women are still treated differently in this country than men when it comes to business and money. I have experienced it from day one. Even friends and family have made the same casual assumption. I am also 100% sure that my husband would be collecting a bigger check if I had died first, because he obviously, yet quietly, knew that mine was bigger than his.

Being in this Widows Club is not for the faint of heart and you have no choice. Many Widows die within a short time of their spouse and people always say that they died from a broken heart. For some, that may be true. But, as for me, I believe it is due to the shock and disbelief to one’s system that is simply more than a body can withstand.

First, you suffer through the prolonged tests and diagnoses. Next, you face decisions that you never think of- decisions of getting affairs in order that should have been done in advance, but rarely ever are. Then you become a caretaker, nurse, hospital housekeeper, errand runner and field medical calls all day. At the end of the day when you are exhausted, you become the informer, as all your family and friends are waiting to hear updates from you. As time grows thin and running out, you start making final arrangements and emotionally triggered into shock and despair. Then you get to say goodbye. You get to look into the dying eyes of your loved one and tell them stuff you’ve never rehearsed for, but it’s your final act of kindness and love with no do-overs- no second take. You go home to a house full of medical equipment with no patient.

You are left feeling abandoned by your spouse- alone, and in the deafening silence of your home, you keep remembering every moment every day for days on end of the dying, the disease, the pain and the suffering. Most of us are not built for this type of exposure to someone dying in front of your eyes. You have PTSD, whether diagnosed or undiagnosed. You seek help from your Doctor because you know your body isn’t right. They recommend medications, they advise you to get grief counseling, join a group, anything to help you with the lack of sleep and loneliness that has permeated your life. The reality is you watched your person wither and die. It is only natural that some of us handle this better than others. It is common for people to die after all this trauma to their bodies, not from a broken heart, but from the stress and emotional toll to their bodies and from neglect of personal health and well being during this tragic circumstance.

Are you a member of this club? It doesn’t have to be your spouse. I know several people that have buried a child. I know many of us have gone thru these very same things with a parent or parents. But only a spouse earns you the “W” club. For some reason, they decided years ago to brand you as a “Widow” when your spouse dies, and so you join the club whether you like it or not.

I said I would help others thru this ordeal, and I know for a fact that I already have. You can expect 90 days of your life to be wrapped up with tying up lose ends and getting paid. If anyone makes a mistake, you can expect it to take even longer. So today’s advice is this: You will have to survive without a steady income or a major decrease of income for 3-6 months minimum. Life insurance would be a huge help to ensure that happens, but having a savings account with accessible money that will last you 6 months is highly advisable and is what kept me from despair. You must be able to pay all your bills during this 6 months or you will be dealing with financial carnage and credit issues.

Lastly, I will say that the one thread that is common to every single Widow is; the silence is deafening. It is the loneliest sound you will ever hear. It cannot be compared to anything else. It’s not like a divorce where choices were made and you knew it was coming. You have no time to adjust to death. One minute they are alive, and the next, you are alone. They are gone forever from this earth no matter what you believe- afterlife or not. You are never going to have another conversation, another hug, another disagreement, another road trip with them here again.

I drove to the Comfort Lodge with my husband in my car. Imagine knowing you are backing out of your driveway with your person alive and knowing they will never return to this place we called home. Just imagine him seeing his house and his yard for the very last time. Imagine the heaviness in my heart that I would rather be anywhere but where I was in that moment- knowing he had to be under 24/7 care at this point and filled with so much fear that he would fall trying to get out of bed or stop breathing in the middle of the night if he had stayed another day.

Imagine every time you close your eyes that you hear and see these sights over and over again. No one can imagine this because we won’t allow ourselves to deal with death. And when it comes, we are not prepared, nor can we unsee what we have seen.

They say never to make a major decision after a death because your brain needs time to heal. How much time is needed? How much time do you have? I don’t have the answer to this, but I know I feel frozen in time. I can’t seem to move forward and I can’t go back. I only know two things right now; my family is up north and so is winter. I know houses are still over-priced, especially up north. Condos are priced even worse because they count the condo fees or HOA’s as part of your payment when qualifying your income-to-debt ratios for a mortgage. I feel stuck and yet I want to run away. For now, I am paying someone to take care of my yard and that is progress…