Lost

If you are one of the people that have called, texted, emailed or sent me a card; I can’t thank you enough for thinking of me. If you are local and have visited me, made time for coffee, lunch or dinner with me; I can’t express my appreciation enough for lifting my spirits more than you realize. If you don’t know my husband died of cancer in January, I guess you don’t know me very well or follow me on Facebook.

I have had several people reach out to me if they don’t see me post anything in days and I truly appreciate those three simple words “Are you okay?” I feel like I am doing okay for someone who has been thrown into a world of shock, cancer, death and post death trauma. But I really am lost for words when asked if I’m okay. I simply react most of the time like being poked and quickly respond “yes.”

Not only am I lost for words, I am unable to make good decisions, have difficulty getting out of bed and don’t want to face the loneliness of another day. There’s a bunch of yard work to do, house cleaning to be done, bills to pay, phone calls to make, unending follow up with important matters, and I don’t want to do any of it- but do it anyway. Some days last forever, some days don’t. I just know that I have absolutely no clue what the hell I’m going to do most days and the feeling starts fresh every single morning. It’s like a thick heavy fog rolls over my house at dawn and surrounds my existence. If I’m lucky, someone calls or texts me and snaps me out of my fog.

Then after I eat something every evening, I feel like the fog rolls over me once again. I face the nights like a game I never win. Unwilling to call it quits- I toss and I turn in my bed relentlessly until I finally get up and make a cup of tea with honey and bourbon. I cannot win this game, so I play it over and over again.

If you have lost a spouse, I am guessing this sounds all too familiar. However, every relationship is different and that is why grieving is never the same for any two people. But simply put; I feel like I don’t belong anywhere right now and nothing comes into focus. There are times I can’t remember things or even find the words to speak.

I have certainly been alone before and I’ve done everything that I am doing now before. But that was over 12 years ago. I was younger, healthier and was willing and able to handle the load. I was single and viewed everything I did simply as what needed to be done and I was very happy. Now? I feel stranded. I didn’t see this coming. I didn’t have enough time to prepare and I don’t like this sinking feeling. I am lost and I am fighting to find happiness. I know it’s “too soon” but I want it now because I know what the stinging reality of not being promised tomorrow feels like. I have just witnessed it with my husband’s death.

Our friends are all couples and overnight- now I’m not. I don’t have any single friends here. I do know other Widows that didn’t ask to be single, but don’t live near me either. My close friends are snowbirds and will soon be gone. I am dreading that day. I have no family living near me.

And then there is the most important decisions concerning finances. I took an early retirement because I could. My husband provided health insurance all the years we traveled, which enabled me to retire early. But now my check is less and I have to consider going back to work at retirement age. This is not something you think about until it’s thrown at you like a brick. While most people my age are excited about retiring and traveling, I have been there and done that and looking at returning to work. It’s ass backwards and it’s my unchosen life.

People have asked me, “So what is it that you would like to do?” or “What do you enjoy doing?”

I have been running a household, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and all the other things you do when you’re married. We travelled extensively in our motorhome for 10 years, enjoyed happy hours by the beach, explored charming new towns, discovered waterfront lunch spots, planned get-togethers with friends from all over the country. That’s what I enjoy doing. I have written this blog for over 5 years sharing all of these adventures with thousands of readers. That is what I am used to doing. I have not pictured myself going back to work or thought about what I would do when my husband dies (something he never ever wanted to discuss), but that is where you find yourself when your husband dies with no life insurance and no plan.

I can not answer this serious question of what I would like to do. I just know that I hate feeling lost and confused every day.

I have explored opportunities and we are not living in the best of times. Apartment living is more expensive than my house, but comes with freedom from yardwork. Condo’s come with a huge HOA price tag that buys you that freedom from yardwork, but certainly no freedom from a hefty monthly bill, maintenance or repairs. I can pay for landscaping where I live, but owning a house with a pool by yourself is no easy task. It is a different story when you are suddenly faced with all the outdoor work on top of everything you already do, and then add a job into the mix when you are supposed to be retired. That’s why we bought the house with a pool in the first place! To entertain and enjoy life. My husband loved landscaping and working outside, but that was his passion- not mine. He wasn’t interested in Condo living, or paying HOA’s, and now it’s all on me to figure out the answers for what is best and what is affordable for me. Anger is one of the other feelings I struggle with and it’s very difficult to explain to people on the outside looking in.

All these decisions, and yet, my brain is mush! I can’t even figure out what to eat most days because I’m not used to fixing meals for one.

So there you have it. Life after death of a spouse. Shock, horror, death, after death reality- PTSD sets in, can’t sleep, can’t think, can’t decide what’s right for yourself, like where you should live or what you should live in. And the kicker is; where should you go to work so you can actually afford to make these life-changing decisions?

There is no secret to unlock here, just the sounds of reality. Living on half of what you had during times of inflation will not lead to some secret garden of Eden where happiness abounds. There is no grief counseling that helps you with your financial plan that only benefited the spouse that died. There is no doctor or psychologist that can figure out any of these life changes for you. There is no happy pill that I am willing to take because I don’t want to live without emotions. There is just me and reality and a house with a pool that needs tending to.

Writing is my outlet. It is my truth served up with a side of sarcasm. I struggled a bit to find the words today, but I guess my mush brain is still working. I believe my next few blogs might be to help others, especially women, who might find themselves walking in my shoes. For anyone living with a man that never wants to discuss the “what ifs”, I definitely have some advice for you; when they say “Everything will be okay”, do not fall for that. Do not ignore the issue. It is just a diversion because they don’t want to deal with it. So guess what? You better deal with it before you find yourself in my world of reality! Taking care of a dying husband is bad enough and the aftermath is inevitable. The last thing anyone needs in this situation is a financial crisis when a vacation from reality would be more beneficial.

Stay tuned for more on this subject because I have a feeling I’m not the only woman who was married to a man that said “Everything will be okay.” I believe I will start a Preceding Death Counseling service because grief counseling will do nothing to solve most of your problems…