was not quite what I expected.

I have been back home in Ohio since the end of July. It took me a couple of months to get settled into my house and community and then I began to explore around the area. I have enjoyed going places and doing things with my sisters and they have certainly kept me busy. It’s been a great 3 months and I feel like I am home. But nagging in the back of my brain was visiting a place I called home for 25 years.

I finally did it. I worked up the courage to make a Facebook post (which, evidently, was virtually seen by no one except a few critics of my word “impromptu”), and at the last minute, I made overnight accommodations at The Spitzer House. I wanted the freedom to go where I wanted and see who I wanted with no explanations and no obligations. I only made plans to see a couple of people- and anyone else I would have seen, would be a bonus!

I packed up an overnight bag, filled my car with gas, and off I went on a dreary and rainy morning. It was actually good for bringing out the color of the leaves and traffic was very light- so no complaining. The light drizzle stopped about half way there.

I had a lot of time to think as I was making the drive and many good memories were filling my head. By the time I reached Sully’s for lunch with my friend and colleague, I couldn’t wait to see her! We had a lovely time for about two hours talking about life, love and loss before it was time for me to go.

Next up, was one of the places I worked for several years to see my old boss and a co-worker. It was another wonderful visit for almost two hours before I had to leave to check into the B&B.

The Spitzer House is an award winning house that was built in 1890 and extremely close to my evening destination- The Corkscrew Saloon. However, you must know, that it is well known to be crazy haunted! Especially two rooms that are noted to have a couple of Inn resident spirits.

One of those two rooms has the most stories- Ceilan’s room. The home was built for General Milo Spitzer and it is said that the general still inhabits this old room.

Ceilan’s room was my room for the night! So that’s exciting, right? Also; the bathroom is NOT inside the room, but rather, across the hall behind a secret door! I had no idea this was the case until I entered my room for the first time and found no bathroom when I needed one. I then opened the letter that was included with my directions to get inside the house with a code and read highlighted in green how to enter my private bath across the hall. You simply press to the left of the statue on the wall and voila! That’s kind of cool.

Now, I am up for a challenge, but I learned very quickly that the floor creaks extremely loud with every single step you take- every move you make. Also, the hidden door has a distinctive creek as you push it opened because there is an old spring that will automatically close the door once you let go of it! It sort of sounds like that noise you hear in every single haunted house you have seen in the movies- and I’m not kidding!

I am not sure what time I will return to my room, but I said out loud the first time I stood there in the hall trying to figure out this whole bathroom hidden door gig “this should be very interesting in the middle of the night when I have to pee!”

Without hesitation, I returned to my room, looked into the mirror and said, “What the hell- it’s only one night.”

I planned to get to the Corkscrew by five o’clock, but no need sitting in this bedroom- just me and the general hanging out, so I grabbed my key, the letter with the code and off I went.

The owner of the restaurant met me at the door when he saw me coming and gave me a big hug, but also told me “I didn’t know you were coming.” I explained I really had no plan, but I did post it on Facebook almost a week in advance for my close friends to see it and plan ahead for it. His response was “I didn’t see it.”

Anyway, my favorite bartender was working and we embraced and it felt so good to say “I’ll have my usual Rose.” I chuckled after I said it, and then followed up with “if you can remember what my usual is.” We both laughed, but, of course she remembered! Every great bartender knows what her patrons drink and she is certainly one of the best!

At this time, I texted two people to see if they could join me for a cocktail at the CS- which is what the locals know it as. It seems as though, they didn’t see my post either. Neither one of them were coming to join me. Surely- someone saw my post! Right? I did get some comments on the post and “likes”, so I figured someone would show up- right?

Well, wrong! No one showed up. So challenge number 2: how to sit in your old neighborhood bar by yourself when you were hoping to see some old friends. Challenge accepted! I had two of my usual cocktails and a BLT flatbread (totally yummy, by the way) and talked to several patrons as they came and went. But, it was a Tuesday and a bit on the slow side.

I love to sip bourbon on ice, and so what better way to sooth the pain of this challenge? I ordered Eagle Rare (my favorite and one of the best) over ice, and I knew my evening was about to get better, because bourbon makes everything better! Or at least tolerable.

The gentleman sitting one barstool to the left of me with his lady friend would talk with me every now and then, and also, a gentleman by himself at the end of the bar closest to my right. I ordered a second bourbon- this time, I tried Bulleit. After Eagle Rare, it was just not right for me, so I offered it to the gentleman at the end of the bar. He gladly accepted and we chatted about bourbon.

So another Eagle Rare and shots with my two bartender friends. Eventually, I sat with the lady and the gentleman and showed them one of my reasons I returned to this bar. October 20th, 2010 was the date my late husband and I met at this very bar and these people were sitting exactly where we sat. Almost 13 years later, here I am with two total strangers sharing some pictures that popped up in my memories. He was a widower and she was a good friend. I only know them as Linda and Jim. That is; if my bourbon brain remembers correctly!

It was time for me to go. To stay any longer would have meant not being able to get back to my haunted room safely- and God knows, I don’t want to miss out on that excitement!

To my amazement, the gentleman that I remember as Jim told Rose after I said to cash me out (as they were doing the same) that he would like to pay for it all. My first and immediate response was. “I don’t think you want to do that. I have been drinking very good bourbon!” His response was, “I do want to do that” and he reiterated to Rose that he wanted to cover us all.

Well, how kind and generous was that? I have no idea what my bill was, but thank you again kind Sir (if you’re reading this) for your generosity and your friendship on that weird and crazy night that I thought I would be hanging out with some friends!

I realized when I stood up that I had reached my limit. Off to the B&B I went and drove right past it! Ooops! A short drive around two blocks and I was right where I needed to be- again. I used my phone to see the code pad on the external door and then banged right into the second doors internally! Yep. I came in with a bang!

So now that everyone is up, I creaked all the way up the winding cherry wood staircase to the general’s room and fumbled with the key to open the door. The first thing I did was throw my purse onto the bed hoping not to slap the general in the face and headed across the hall for the adventurous bathroom.

My tooth brush and things were still in the bedroom. That would mean another trip back and forth. I changed into my nightgown and crawled into my bed, which was very comfortable and smelled fresh and clean. I did not hear any strange noises. In fact, it was so silent, that I knew, I must have woke everyone one up because no one was snoring.

I set my alarm, checked my phone and was laying there in the silence. I am not sure how long I was laying there before pee #2 entered my brain. No! I just can’t– I thought to myself when the general pushed me out of my bed. Light went on, I grabbed the key (just wanted to make sure that I could get back into my room) and again, entered the creaking zone of my hidden bathroom. I sat there wanting to giggle out loud (I may have, now that I’m thinking about it…)

I made it safely back to my bed, but not sure I locked the door. Got up and nope! Door was unlocked. So I lock it and got back into bed.

Pee #3 occurred sometime after 3am. I am quite sure my neighbors will never stay at this place again. If the train didn’t keep them up- I surely did.

It was at this time that my headache started and I knew I had ibuprofen in my purse. All I had to do was find the little container in the bottom of my purse, but I would first have to tip toe over to the desk where I think my purse is. Turned the light back on and I don’t see my purse (it’s black, making it harder to locate it.) Well, after knocking my clothes that were on the back of the chair onto the floor, I finally saw my purse sitting in the chair, so I delicately picked it up and took it to my bed.

Found the pills after some digging, but now my water is on the desk. I can see it, but I have to walk across the floor again! I felt pretty confident that I was done moving in this room. I will now return to sleep and hopefully, everyone else will too.

After taking the pills with all that water, pee #4 occurred at around 5am.

OMG! I am quite sure after my not-so-quiet stay in this room, that the general decided to sleep with someone else that night! He may not even live there anymore! But, you know what? It’s not my fault that you don’t offer an in-suite bathroom for crying out loud!

Day 2 was very nice. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect, I walked around the square and got to visit with a store owner that I have known since the day she opened almost 25 years ago at the Gardner’s Cottage. We talked, I shopped and hugged goodbye.

Next was cupcakes and coffee. Then I was off to spend the rest of the afternoon with our neighbor and good friend across the street where we used to live. I hated seeing what the new owners have done to our beautiful property, but I loved spending time with our friend.

All in all, my trip back to Medina taught me about life, friendships, and what home really means. I don’t call this place home anymore. Some of my friendships will change, and some may even disappear. My new home is somewhere else now, but true friends will always find a way to be in your life, and making new friends is wonderful!

One thing I know for sure; I will no longer dread the “first” trip back to Medina anymore. It’s in the past and it was actually fun. I no longer have that heavy feeling in my chest to see where I used to live and my friends and neighbors are still in my heart.

I would give the Spitzer house a good review, however, they may not like me very much and might not want me back…

Still laughing about everything falling off the chair onto the floor at 3am, but look at it this way…maybe the ghosts have left the building…

I really don’t have a story or a lesson to share, I simply want to write today to uplift my spirits and anyone else that perhaps needs a little uplifting. It is a cloudy and chilly 53 degrees today and I love to write, so what better time to do it.

The grief site I have been a part of went thru a weird transformation over the last weekend because one person caused an uproar. The admins shut the site down for several days to access the situation and it’s back on track this week. It made me pause and think that one person can really rock the boat and cause everyone else to sit still holding their breath in hopes they don’t go under because of one person’s selfish actions.

The site is more about growing and moving forward with life after loss, which is what attracted me to it in the first place. I have a strong need to move forward, and that is because my situation is very different than others and difficult to explain. The point is; there is no need for me to explain it to anyone, and that is not being selfish. I am healing from trauma and not asking for anyone else to “hold their breath,” I am simply making decisions that suit me best and won’t affect anyone else.

So how do you find happiness after surviving on a sinking ship? My life is geared towards finding that happiness, and so far, so good!

The first and biggest step for me was moving from the place that was filled with worry, sadness and concern to a place that felt comfortable and close to my immediate family. We can never truly eliminate worry and concern, so I focused on getting rid of the sadness. My family has replaced the sadness I carried in my heart with an unbelievable happiness that I haven’t felt in years! Dining together, talking, planning future events and holidays have been euphoric! And the shopping- well everyone needs a little retail therapy now and then, but I need to put the brakes on that a bit after our last trip to the mall. But, oh my, did we have fun and contribute to our area’s economy!

The second hurdle (concern) I face is winter. I haven’t lived in winter weather for over 10 years, but I am thinking positive thoughts and making it fun. I have been truly enjoying Fall colors and buying things like boots, coats, sweatshirts, gloves, etc. I also don’t complain about the weather like people that have been here their whole lives often do- because I am seeing Ohio thru a new set of eyes. I feel alive and well and nothing will change that no matter where I live- positive is positive. Would I love to eliminate cloudy or rainy days? No! I want them ALL– good or bad! They all serve a purpose and I want every minute of every day! Every state has good ones and bad ones. Ohio has winter and Florida has summer. I prefer to be inside for both, so it doesn’t really make much difference to me.

The biggest difference for me is Family is here.

I couldn’t afford the town I lived in for 25 years, and finding an affordable condo during a crazy housing market wasn’t an easy task. But the outcome was far more than what I could have ever imagined! I picked a place I knew little to nothing about based on what I remembered from 30 years ago. A small (six and one half square miles) very quaint, historical area filled with street lamps downtown and lush, green hillsides and farms all around it. My sisters were my eyes and ears for the transaction and I purchased it sight unseen. I am living proof that you can take chances and come out ahead. I love my home and my sisters had my back! They both agree that my home could not suit me better.

So what is left to tell? I have moved on from a dark place in my life to a brand new place filled with new hopes and dreams. My love for life is still alive and well. I have learned that sadness is all around us every day. It is consuming for many, yet, I find it peaceful to know it and move away from it. You can never fully eliminate sadness from your life, but if you learn to embrace the possibilities that grow from it, you can find happiness again.

My little sister said something to me last weekend that made me realize something greater about myself than I ever knew before. She told me that after I lost so much in the great recession and survived from all of it, she never really doubted for a second that I could handle this move on my own and put all the darkness in the rearview mirror. My sisters both had more faith in me than I had in myself after my darkest hours. It proves to me that one of the very reasons we can survive so much sadness in life, is that we have each other to lean on.

The foundation we grew up on was built by a strong family that could face anything together. Our parents were the greatest and are remembered with such love and grace by all who knew them. I owe my strength, my will and my determination to my loving parents and I could not be happier than having my siblings to walk thru this life with!

So that is it for today. If you are sad, lonely or doubting your future- just know you are not alone. We have more strength and determination than we ever give ourselves credit for. Take it from me- someone who has had a strong foundation to build on- that we all have what it takes to be happy. We just need the desire to get there and a little support from family or friends. If you don’t have a supportive family, then you need to build a new foundation with those that will help you.

Happy trails folks and have a wonderful day…

after losing our “person” is no easy task. I have been a part of an online grief group since February and have become somewhat of a support system for those who are afraid to speak up. (That is the only reason I’m still in it.) I am, in a sense, the voice of reason for some of these folks. You all know that I speak only the truth with humor, and of course, served up with a side of sarcasm.

If you have lost a spouse/partner or family member, this blog is for you, because I am about to share some cold hard facts. You may not agree with me, but I am going to share what I have discovered. Not just personally, but through the eyes and voices of many others that are in the same position and afraid to speak. The sarcasm meter might read a bit high today, so you have been warned if this is a trigger subject. This is not a humorous blog entry.

First off, when my Grandmother told me many years ago that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors- she couldn’t have been more right.

Long before your person is diagnosed with a terminal illness, there is a secret life between you and your partner that no one ever knows about. Do you think for one moment that what you have seen and heard is the whole story? It’s not. You are only seeing what they let you see and hear. So, long before the diagnoses, people have already pre-determined how these two people should act once the fact becomes known to friends and family that someone is dying.

What I’m trying to say is; prepare for judgment day! You will be judged for everything you do and don’t do, and that is just life and the nature of people.

Once your person has been diagnosed and you go into disbelief mode together trying to prepare for the inevitable, everyone applauds your positivity, strength and determination. You have no choice in this matter, but you suddenly become a full time care-taker, financial planner, manager, specialist (yes, you have to learn all the proper terminology, drugs, side effects, learn to administer them and oxygen, etc., )

Congratulations. You have become a full time nurse and the family’s hero. They all go about their lives with work, church, children, grandchildren and thank you for taking good care of their loved one (all by yourself, in many cases). If you have a heart, it’s your duty to escort your person from this life to the next step and you do it with honor and dignity no matter what your relationship was like together.

In my case, there were honors in both civilian and military life while he was still alive. There was also the planning for interment in a National Cemetery up North with honors, so he received honors while he was alive, and again, after death, because we planned it that way and I followed thru with it. However, I am not doing a celebration of life (which was my thought- never his.) It would only end up being a drink fest, and that can happen without me, but back to my point.

You will receive phone calls, cry many tears, discuss arrangements and reminisce. Not once during this time does anyone have anything bad to say about your diligence in taking care of your person. They are just grateful you are doing it.

Fast forward to 10 or 12 months later. You have now reached judgement day with every decision you make and are in no way prepared for what’s to come.

How do I know this? I hear others speak about it every single day. I am also experiencing it. My little sister’s best friend is living it after a tragic loss of her Son. No one is exempt from this experience.

Let me just run down a few things you will be judged on, in case you don’t know or understand what I am referring to:

When is the last time you called the deceased person’s family? (Think about how many times you ever spoke to them before your person’s death?)

Have you visited their gravesite or why are you there all the time? (Why does this matter to anyone else?)

Did you see what he/she is always posting on Facebook? (Did they ever care before?)

What is he/she doing with the deceased member’s money and/or personal belongings? (If you inherited everything- it’s your stuff now and do whatever you must with it.)

Why is he/she doing whatever they’re doing? (Absolutely no ones’ business, so don’t waste your time trying to please anyone else.)

Can you believe he/she sold the house, or car, or anything else of value? (You have your reasons and never have to explain them to anyone.)

Trust me, this list goes on and on, but I don’t want to dig in too deep.

What do you think every Widow/Widower’s number one question is in the group and most criticized action when they finally do it?

“How soon can you start seeing someone, especially if you have children?”

Yes! This is the most asked question in a group of grieving people beyond a shadow of a doubt. Sad, but true. Is this what keeps people up at night?

I have provided answers numerous times to people that are afraid to have a companion, or God forbid- a sex life after death of your partner. In some cases, it has been several years for these people and they live in depression and loneliness because others have shamed them or guilted them.

My answer is short and to the point: Whenever it feels right to YOU!

Why do people let their children become the professional counselors of their love lives? Why do the children suddenly become experts in the area of your loneliness and when it’s appropriate for you to date someone? When did it become okay for others to be all up in your financial business? Why do your friends become experts in the field of grief and how long you should do it? Why does your deceased spouse’s friends or family suddenly know what’s best for you when they never did before? They don’t even know what your relationship was really like behind those closed doors. It’s actually quite disturbing and borderline abusive in my opinion.

You have watched your person die. You have arranged to bury him/her. You have dealt with everything imaginable and unimaginable, and mostly on your own. But suddenly, everyone else knows what’s best for you.

I will only say this once, so I hope anyone else that needs to hear it is paying attention;

No one knows what your life was truly like before your person died, and they certainly aren’t going to understand it any better once they’re buried or spread out over some mountain range or an ocean.

There is only ONE person that knows what is BEST for you- that is YOU!

Do yourself a huge favor and LIVE your life. I promise in the end when it’s your turn to be laid to rest or sprinkled somewhere that no one is going to give a damn about any of the things that you did or didn’t do- unless it involves what you left them in your will. Nothing else matters if it doesn’t affect them.

Just for the record; I will begin dating when I decide it’s right for me. I moved because it was right for me. I do not like visiting gravesites because their spirit is not there. I don’t worry about what it looks like because a National Cemetery is kept pristine (in my case). You don’t visit a grave because it’s good for anyone else- it’s your personal decision.

Death is similar to divorce in some ways. Eventually, everyone picks a side, and your side is always with your immediate family and good friends, not the other way around. And it doesn’t really matter how long you were married/together, that is just the way it always is folks, but this is my opinion.

This is so disheartening for so many people who have already had to deal with the worst thing we ever face in life; death. Why will no one speak up for themselves?

I have chosen to speak up for myself and for those that cannot find their voice to do so.

We have but one life to live, and after seeing death up close and personal, most of us choose to LIVE as much as time will allow. Being happy and healthy will only lead you to a better life to live, so choose to BE HAPPY.

Go wherever you want. Do whatever you want, be with whoever you choose. And most of all, YOU choose WHEN and IF the time is right for you to do anything. No one has the right to make decisions for you and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for the ones you make. Grief is ours to deal with and no one can decide for you how to deal with it.

The person left behind is the only decision maker of his or her life. It’s just that simple. There is no right or wrong way, just your way.

My hope is that anyone dealing with anything like I have described will find their own voice and find peace and happiness for as long as you live.

has not been an easy task since January when my spouse died. I have been here to share the realities of life after death, but there is so much more than meets the eye.

It’s called reality.

I am going to share some things about myself- the Writer, the Widow and some secrets!

Let’s talk about the Widow:

First off, I have decided that I no longer wish to be called a “Widow.” I have always hated spiders and the word makes me shutter just thinking about the implication! I know that I have to check off the box next to this complicated state of singlehood- not by choice and nothing of my own doing got me where I am- yet the government has labeled us as such on certain forms. However, once they are able to tax you as “Single” status, they pretty much wipe their hands clean of the term, but somehow, we are still stuck with it.

I have been on my own now financially, mentally, physically and in every other sense of the word, “Single.” I make all the decisions, complete all the tasks, moved my @ss from one end of the country to the other completely alone. I think that qualifies me as single. So anyone else out there that has been widowed and hates the word as much as me- just drop the word! We are single people. Period- the end. Alone and on our own. Doesn’t matter how we got here.

Next, let’s talk about my writing:

I am writing for the first time- a fiction book based on true events. I am also writing for the first time in third person. I am the narrator existing outside the events of the story. This is not as easy as some people may think and has presented it’s challenges to me. It is taking me longer, but it’s starting to click. Conversations between characters are still a challenge, but I am enjoying this new-found talent that writers possess bringing the reader vividly into their character’s lives and conversations. It’s fascinating!

The inspiration for the story is based on true events and I cannot reveal any part of that to you. Well, at least not while I am writing, but maybe someday. But here is a little secret…

I wrote my very first love scene! I consider this a new talent. I am able to write a steamy love scene for most mature audiences. Terminology is such, that your teenage daughter can read it without any vulgarity, yet, enough detail to stir the emotions and curiosity of a young man or woman. The bottom line is, your teenage son or daughter would find this book to be quite interesting, and so would you! I have tested it on a few people, and they could not agree more.

This journey is still at the beginning stages, but I am excited to share, that if all goes well, this could be a trilogy and book one of three is going pretty good, so far. I am encouraged, but the task is still a bit overwhelming.

There will be young love, life challenges, followed by some very surprising and extreme twists and turns- all of which I am not at liberty to discuss yet. But, if you have followed my blog for years, or you are a brand new reader; hold onto your seats because the best is yet to come! The ending is a work in progress, and I have not decided what fate the two main characters will meet, and that is what is so exciting! I don’t know the ending yet, but I am loving the story.

Discovering who I am has been exhausting at times, yet, exciting. “I am a writer.” I am a “work in progress.” I have learned that every challenge I have faced cannot erase who I’ve always been- a strong-willed and determined woman that won’t take a disaster or a disappointment as an unhappy ending.

A disaster is just the beginning…and I am able to choose the ending…