The Lessons We Learn

after losing our “person” is no easy task. I have been a part of an online grief group since February and have become somewhat of a support system for those who are afraid to speak up. (That is the only reason I’m still in it.) I am, in a sense, the voice of reason for some of these folks. You all know that I speak only the truth with humor, and of course, served up with a side of sarcasm.

If you have lost a spouse/partner or family member, this blog is for you, because I am about to share some cold hard facts. You may not agree with me, but I am going to share what I have discovered. Not just personally, but through the eyes and voices of many others that are in the same position and afraid to speak. The sarcasm meter might read a bit high today, so you have been warned if this is a trigger subject. This is not a humorous blog entry.

First off, when my Grandmother told me many years ago that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors- she couldn’t have been more right.

Long before your person is diagnosed with a terminal illness, there is a secret life between you and your partner that no one ever knows about. Do you think for one moment that what you have seen and heard is the whole story? It’s not. You are only seeing what they let you see and hear. So, long before the diagnoses, people have already pre-determined how these two people should act once the fact becomes known to friends and family that someone is dying.

What I’m trying to say is; prepare for judgment day! You will be judged for everything you do and don’t do, and that is just life and the nature of people.

Once your person has been diagnosed and you go into disbelief mode together trying to prepare for the inevitable, everyone applauds your positivity, strength and determination. You have no choice in this matter, but you suddenly become a full time care-taker, financial planner, manager, specialist (yes, you have to learn all the proper terminology, drugs, side effects, learn to administer them and oxygen, etc., )

Congratulations. You have become a full time nurse and the family’s hero. They all go about their lives with work, church, children, grandchildren and thank you for taking good care of their loved one (all by yourself, in many cases). If you have a heart, it’s your duty to escort your person from this life to the next step and you do it with honor and dignity no matter what your relationship was like together.

In my case, there were honors in both civilian and military life while he was still alive. There was also the planning for interment in a National Cemetery up North with honors, so he received honors while he was alive, and again, after death, because we planned it that way and I followed thru with it. However, I am not doing a celebration of life (which was my thought- never his.) It would only end up being a drink fest, and that can happen without me, but back to my point.

You will receive phone calls, cry many tears, discuss arrangements and reminisce. Not once during this time does anyone have anything bad to say about your diligence in taking care of your person. They are just grateful you are doing it.

Fast forward to 10 or 12 months later. You have now reached judgement day with every decision you make and are in no way prepared for what’s to come.

How do I know this? I hear others speak about it every single day. I am also experiencing it. My little sister’s best friend is living it after a tragic loss of her Son. No one is exempt from this experience.

Let me just run down a few things you will be judged on, in case you don’t know or understand what I am referring to:

When is the last time you called the deceased person’s family? (Think about how many times you ever spoke to them before your person’s death?)

Have you visited their gravesite or why are you there all the time? (Why does this matter to anyone else?)

Did you see what he/she is always posting on Facebook? (Did they ever care before?)

What is he/she doing with the deceased member’s money and/or personal belongings? (If you inherited everything- it’s your stuff now and do whatever you must with it.)

Why is he/she doing whatever they’re doing? (Absolutely no ones’ business, so don’t waste your time trying to please anyone else.)

Can you believe he/she sold the house, or car, or anything else of value? (You have your reasons and never have to explain them to anyone.)

Trust me, this list goes on and on, but I don’t want to dig in too deep.

What do you think every Widow/Widower’s number one question is in the group and most criticized action when they finally do it?

“How soon can you start seeing someone, especially if you have children?”

Yes! This is the most asked question in a group of grieving people beyond a shadow of a doubt. Sad, but true. Is this what keeps people up at night?

I have provided answers numerous times to people that are afraid to have a companion, or God forbid- a sex life after death of your partner. In some cases, it has been several years for these people and they live in depression and loneliness because others have shamed them or guilted them.

My answer is short and to the point: Whenever it feels right to YOU!

Why do people let their children become the professional counselors of their love lives? Why do the children suddenly become experts in the area of your loneliness and when it’s appropriate for you to date someone? When did it become okay for others to be all up in your financial business? Why do your friends become experts in the field of grief and how long you should do it? Why does your deceased spouse’s friends or family suddenly know what’s best for you when they never did before? They don’t even know what your relationship was really like behind those closed doors. It’s actually quite disturbing and borderline abusive in my opinion.

You have watched your person die. You have arranged to bury him/her. You have dealt with everything imaginable and unimaginable, and mostly on your own. But suddenly, everyone else knows what’s best for you.

I will only say this once, so I hope anyone else that needs to hear it is paying attention;

No one knows what your life was truly like before your person died, and they certainly aren’t going to understand it any better once they’re buried or spread out over some mountain range or an ocean.

There is only ONE person that knows what is BEST for you- that is YOU!

Do yourself a huge favor and LIVE your life. I promise in the end when it’s your turn to be laid to rest or sprinkled somewhere that no one is going to give a damn about any of the things that you did or didn’t do- unless it involves what you left them in your will. Nothing else matters if it doesn’t affect them.

Just for the record; I will begin dating when I decide it’s right for me. I moved because it was right for me. I do not like visiting gravesites because their spirit is not there. I don’t worry about what it looks like because a National Cemetery is kept pristine (in my case). You don’t visit a grave because it’s good for anyone else- it’s your personal decision.

Death is similar to divorce in some ways. Eventually, everyone picks a side, and your side is always with your immediate family and good friends, not the other way around. And it doesn’t really matter how long you were married/together, that is just the way it always is folks, but this is my opinion.

This is so disheartening for so many people who have already had to deal with the worst thing we ever face in life; death. Why will no one speak up for themselves?

I have chosen to speak up for myself and for those that cannot find their voice to do so.

We have but one life to live, and after seeing death up close and personal, most of us choose to LIVE as much as time will allow. Being happy and healthy will only lead you to a better life to live, so choose to BE HAPPY.

Go wherever you want. Do whatever you want, be with whoever you choose. And most of all, YOU choose WHEN and IF the time is right for you to do anything. No one has the right to make decisions for you and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for the ones you make. Grief is ours to deal with and no one can decide for you how to deal with it.

The person left behind is the only decision maker of his or her life. It’s just that simple. There is no right or wrong way, just your way.

My hope is that anyone dealing with anything like I have described will find their own voice and find peace and happiness for as long as you live.