This post is dedicated to all those people out there that have tried to find their next chapter after becoming a widow.

It has been over a year and 4 months since I became a single woman unexpectedly after my husband died of cancer. Since that time, my life has been consumed with decisions, but no matter how busy I keep myself, sometimes loneliness seeps into my existence.

Some people may say that widowhood is no different than a divorce, but there is no comparison between losing a partner in a separation and your spouse dying. As many of my followers know, I have been thru a divorce (and more than once, I might add), so I know what both life events feel like. In the crappiest of marriages, where you may only be roommates living under the same roof, at least there is someone else in the house to share a meal with, watch TV with or say goodnight to. Let’s face it, you get a little spoiled with someone taking care of the car or getting the oil changed or preparing a meal even when you are not getting along. If all you do is nag each other half to death, at least there is someone to talk to.

Divorce is usually well planned and thought out before a person actually approaches their spouse with the speech they’ve rehearsed in their mind more than once. Most of the time, the partner on the receiving end of this speech is not shocked and had a pretty good idea that it was coming. One would have to be deaf, dumb and blind (or just greedy for a paycheck!) not to know your marriage is in trouble. Sometimes, you might even go to counseling together or try living apart before you actually go thru the process of a dissolution or divorce. It’s never pretty and it has life-changing results that may take you years to accept or get over. It might leave you financially devastated, or you may be the one to come out smelling like a rose. (I never did, to say the least), and it is a painful lesson in life.

On the other hand, death is traumatizing in a much different way. Sometimes you get a warning it is coming, and sometimes you don’t. In one instance, you become a caretaker and you never know for how long you will have to watch your person die. It is slow and excruciating pain to watch your spouse go thru this and your own health deteriorates during the process. The unexpected death hits you like a bomb went off and the shock is never forgotten. Death is final and you are thrown instantly into the world of fighting for what is yours.

I still have not received my income tax refund from 2022, I never received the refund from Ocala Electric Co. in Florida, and they almost cancelled my home insurance because they had an invalid Florida driver’s license on file. (I had already submitted my Ohio license for my car insurance and it’s bundled together with an umbrella policy.) These are just a few examples, but on the grief site, people go thru so much more!

Long story short, I looked at a dating site, which then sent a flurry of ads for every dating site known to man to my phone- all day, every day! So I was playing a word game and an ad for Widowed Dating came up and curiosity got the cat!

I thought this would be the best site for my personal situation, since everyone on there has lost a spouse due to death and not divorce. I figured it would be less predatory.

Now, if you have never been on a dating site, I would love to share my experience. Keep in mind, I am in my mid sixties and the site advertises specifically for widows and widowers 50 and over.

The first thing I noticed is you can look for people in your area for free. I thought, “OK”. Searching for other singles in my area might be fun.

The minute you click on the link, you are required to put in some info to show you are a widow and over 50. I did not feel comfortable putting in my actual birth date and location, so the first thing I realized is you can lie! I put in the right year I was born, but a different month/day. I also did not put my zip code in, but rather the city closest to mine. No problem!

I was now on the site, and before you can search for anyone, they invite you to fill out a profile and you don’t have a choice. They ask if you’re male or female and are you looking for a male or female. Then they drill down to find out your body type (build, hair color, eye color, length of hair, ethnicity, etc). After you tell them all about you, then they ask what type of person you’re looking for (same questions about build, body structure, ethnicity) and so on.

This would lead one to think that they are going to show you people that match the criteria of folks with similar qualities as you have requested, right?

They continue with an in depth questionnaire about what you would like: friendship, committed relationship, casual relationship with benefits, activity partner, or marriage. I indicated friendship because that is all I am interested in for now.

They ask about music you like, activities you are interested in, hobbies, sports, food, etc, etc, etc.

After the eternity of questions (which I did not answer in explicit details, but rather a bit more vague), you finally have completed your profile and can upload four pictures, which I did.

Now you can actually conduct a search in your area with the exact age range you are looking for. I put 60 – 75. You can also provide other social media links like Facebook and Twitter so that you can look at each others social media pages. I was going to put my Facebook account link, but they would not accept it as a correct link probably because a past married name is still associated with my account. At least, that is why I think they rejected it, but who knows! Keep in mind, they only deal with first names on the site, so I still wasn’t sure.

After all is said and done, you start to receive notifications for; 1) who’s looking at your profile, 2) who “likes” your profile, 3) who flirted with you by sending a “heart,” and 4) private messages or additional photos to see.

Remember in the beginning when I said you could search for free? Well, as you know, nothing is ever free. You get to see a handful of photos of men which are supposed to meet the criteria for which you requested in your profile and 99.9% DON’T!!!

I started getting notifications constantly. I would click to see who it was and all they show you is one photo (NOT 4) and their location. Not only were the pictures sometimes terrifying, and sometimes totally laughable, but you cannot view anything else for free!!! You MUST upgrade to view any messages or more photos. You don’t see their entire profile, but rather a handful of their answers- like three; age, location and a partial catch phrase (“fun loving person likes…”). Also, a large amount of profiles contain NO PHOTO. Why would anyone want to meet someone you have no photo of?

So now they have you interested because you are getting all these “likes” and messages that you can’t read. The price of these sites are minimal for a 3 day trial, but then they charge you monthly, automatically until you take action to stop it and at almost $40/month.

I lasted less than 3 days after trying to see who, what and where all the widowed men close to me were, only to find out that MOST of the photos were of men in different countries and states and nowhere near me! It was laughable to say the very least how inaccurate the site was in finding someone my age and in close proximity.

I had indicated I was looking for a white Caucasian male and probably 1/3 of the pictures were of African American males. I believe most of them were 75 – 85 instead of 60 – 75, and most of them did not meet the “fit” or “average build” I had indicated.

This experience was definitely an eye opener for me on just how bad these dating sites truly are. I can’t help but think how many lonely and emotionally drained widows and widowers are being sucked into these sites daily, only to suffer more disappointment! I kept thinking about all the people going thru the worst part of life- dealing with death and the aftermath- and people recommend these dating sights to perhaps give them a little hope that they may find a chapter 2, only to be completely left high and dry! Then they have to figure out how to stop the monthly payments (or quarterly payments), and they will probably be six feet under before they find a perfect match!

My opinion of these dating sites, which I now am inundated with every single one of them emailing me to join their sites because they sold my info to all the others, is that they are money suckers and mostly taking advantage of older folks that have buried or divorced their spouse. They advertise one thing (always pictures of “the pretty people”) and give you nothing in return accept a bunch of fake and incomplete profiles of God knows who! If I could lie about my birthday and location, anyone else can too!

Oh, and by the way, I don’t think it was an accident that my Facebook link would not upload. I believe it is intentional so that I could not connect to any of these men and talk to them for free on my own page!! Call me crazy….or not, but it wouldn’t surprise me!

The bottom line folks for me is this. If you know someone who is lonely and looking for companionship (especially if they are 60 and over), encourage them to seek friendship in other places. They can go to a favorite coffee shop, bar or restaurant, perhaps church, bowling, fishing, shopping- anywhere around other people and have more of a chance to meet someone and not have to waste nearly $40 a month!

Adult children need to spend more time with their parents that are alone to help ease the loneliness from consuming their lives. Younger children or grandchildren should be encouraged to visit and keep them laughing. Extended family can invite them to cookouts or family get-togethers. All of these activities will help keep a single person active and focused on the good things they still have in their life and forget about what’s missing, even if only for awhile.

I personally have found that I am loving my single life. I love having to answer to no one and never having to ask permission for anything. I go where I want, when I want, and do nothing whenever I please. I have an active social life with family and friends and doing just fine. My circumstances may be different, but I had to make a major move up the coast to enable myself the affordability and options for a social life. Please encourage your loved ones to be around others, even if you have to help them move or to stay in a home they love.

I ventured onto a dating site for curiosity and learned they are definitely NOT for me. I am not desperate for love, just crazy about living. I do the best I can with what I have financially, but it costs nothing to spend an afternoon or evening with family. I walk around my town for free and talk to shop owners that have come to know me. I have plenty of opportunities to meet someone if and when I am ever ready, but for now, I LOVE my life and I love where I live.

I hope anyone that is reading this will give some thought to the widow or widower in your life. Keep them involved in some sort of activities. Being active is healthy for the mind and body. If your mind and body is healthy, than you can still lead a productive life no matter what your circumstances are. Don’t ever forget that mobility is everything during the aging process. Once you lose it, you become dependent on others, and no one wants that kind of life. So do what you can to give someone encouragement.

My big sister once said to me after I moved back home;

“You need to learn how to be happy with yourself and spending time alone before you can ever truly be happy.”

She couldn’t be more right! Have a great day folks…